Since He Really Feels (He Feels) Page 8

  But I hadn’t fucked any of them.

  And that was the deal breaker for me. At first I committed to being able to deal with it. I wanted Julianne in my life, so I would find a way to get past the fact that she’d slept with Travis when we had been apart, and I’d find a way to get past the fact that she’d kept that from me.

  But it turns out that it was harder to deal with than I thought it would be. Or, rather, I could deal with it, but I couldn’t deal with her obsession over it.

  When she’d left for San Diego against my wishes, something had changed between us. I wasn’t the type of guy who ordered my women around; it just wasn’t my style. I liked control in a relationship, but I was just as willing to surrender control to my partner when necessary. It was in that moment when Julianne left for San Diego that I wished I was less of a Prince Charming and more of an aggressive man who could command my woman to follow my orders with one precisely-executed look. Julianne was too strong to fall under my dominating looks, and her strength was one of the things I loved most about her. But going to San Diego to chase after her past put her future in jeopardy. Not only did it set her behind a day at work, but it seriously pissed me off.

  I was doing my best to put that behind me, starting with getting her to commit to a wedding date. I wanted to marry her the second I proposed to her; shit, I think I’d wanted to marry her the very moment I’d laid eyes on her, and once that ring was on her finger and we’d stated our vows in front of our friends and family, she’d be mine and only mine forever. But until that moment, until things were absolutely official in the eyes of God and the law, I’d have to compete with Travis for her heart.

  It was the fight of my life, and it would be worth it in the end, but I wasn’t sure exactly how to do it. I had never had to fight so hard for a woman, but the love that I had for her was beyond compare.

  So the night I got home late, Julianne’s first day at BKG, I wanted to discuss our wedding date. We’d briefly discussed it that morning, but she’d dodged the issue. This time we were picking a date.

  “Can we talk?” I asked, noticing my brother in the room for the first time. Julianne just… distracted me. No matter what I was doing, when she was in the room, I saw nothing else. At times, this proved difficult at work.

  “Of course,” she said, lacing her arms around me for a quick hug.

  I kissed her forehead and then took her hand in mine to lead her up the stairs to our bedroom. I opened my iPad and pulled up my calendar.

  “We spoke briefly this morning about setting a date. Let’s do it.”

  She laughed, and it was a tinkling sound that was music to my ears. “Funny you should bring that up,” she said.

  I glanced at her curiously.

  “Because I wanted to talk to you about setting a date tonight, too.”

  I grinned, and I saw her eyes widen as they always did when I grinned at her. I loved the reaction she had to the way I looked at her, and I knew that I reacted in much the same way when she smiled at me. She was simply the most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on, and I couldn’t wait for the day when we would profess our love for each other in front of the world.

  “I was thinking,” she said, and she paused while my heart slowed for a moment. If she started in with that “waiting” shit again, I was going to lose it. The sooner she became my wife, the better. I wasn’t trying to rush things, but I wasn’t getting any younger. I knew that she was the woman meant for me, so why postpone the inevitable? I was ready to commit my life to hers.

  “I was thinking,” she began again, “that we should do this soon.”

  My brows knit together in confusion. “Soon?” I echoed.

  She nodded. “Nick, I love you with all of my heart. The sooner I can be your wife, the better. I don’t know why I was dodging the date earlier. I just had this realization that I want to be Mrs. Nicholas Matthews as soon as possible.”

  I grabbed her and pulled her into my lap as my lips slid over hers. “Nothing would make me happier,” I murmured against her lips. Her fingers wrapped around my neck as her tongue found mine, and we were lost to the world for a good hour.

  When we resurfaced, Julianne resumed the wedding talk. “I was looking at my calendar earlier, and if we keep it semi-small, I think we can pull it together in a month.”

  “A month?” I asked.

  A month until I committed myself to just one woman for the rest of my life?

  I briefly thought about the one thing all men think about before getting married: Julianne would be the last woman I’d fuck for the rest of my life.

  And you know what? I was happy with that thought.

  I’d never been with a woman like Julianne before in my life, and the thought of only being with her for the rest of my life made me smile. Well, it made me smile in addition to making me hard.

  Hell, I’d only thought about her anyway since the day I’d met her, so I’d already spent over a year with only her, although we’d only started sleeping together about a month and a half earlier. I’d loved her for almost a full year before I’d done anything about it, and I still kicked myself knowing that we could have been together that whole time. The only thing that had stopped me was my job. If I so much as looked at her the wrong way, Davidson would’ve had my ass.

  I knew the secret behind the strict no-dating clause at McMillan, but it wasn’t something I’d shared with anyone. It was a personal matter for Tom Davidson, my direct boss, and it wasn’t my news to share. He was related to the owners of the company, and apparently he’d put in too many hours, leaving an unhappy, lonely wife at home. She turned to a colleague at her own office in her loneliness and ended up leaving Davidson for her coworker. So Davidson created the no-dating clause and took every colleague relationship personally, as if it was an attack on him to rub in his face what his wife had done to him. His reaction when he found out about Julianne and me was bullshit, and he’d turned me against him completely with the things he’d said about the woman I loved. He was desperate to hang onto me, and I understood his motivations. He was worried that he’d lose clients, and I’d only been gone a few weeks and I’d already had several clients from McMillan transfer over to me at BKG. I didn’t blame him for being bitter, but after the way he’d treated Julianne after her accident, I had a pretty big grudge against him.

  “Yes. A month. I was thinking April 4.”

  “April 4? Four-four?”

  She nodded.

  “You do know that four is my lucky number, don’t you?”

  She grinned. “Why do you think I chose it?”

  “I love the idea, Julianne, but I think we need more time to plan.”

  She nodded. “You’re right. So July?”

  “I like July.”

  “It’ll be hotter than hell.”

  “True. Were you thinking indoor or outdoor?”

  “If it’s in July, indoor for sure.”

  “Where do you want to have the wedding?”

  “Here?”

  I thought about it for less than a second. I had plenty of space, and it would be easy to plan a fantastic event if we were holding it right in our own home. I had plenty of resources to make it happen on short notice. “Perfect,” I nodded, realizing how much I liked the idea of getting married in the home we shared.

  I glanced through the calendar and checked the Saturdays in July. “Eleventh, eighteenth, or twenty-fifth?”

  “What about August first?” she asked, looking over my shoulder at the dates.

  “I like August.”

  “It’ll still be hotter than hell.”

  “You’ll be hotter than hell in a wedding dress.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Cheesy line, my friend.”

  I grinned and leaned over for a kiss.

  “Can I ask you one more thing that came up this morning?” she asked.

  “Sure,” I said, glad that we’d picked a date and ready to move along to the next step in planning our day together.

 
“Where did your money come from?”

  I hated talking about it, but I knew I’d dodged the issue enough. I had to tell her. I’d made something up about it being a long story, but it really wasn’t. Where it had come from was actually simple, but the issues surrounding it brought up a lot of painful memories for me.

  “My dad,” I finally said.

  Her eyes lowered and she looked mortified that she’d pressed the issue. “Nick, I’m so sorry I asked.”

  “Don’t be. There’s more to it, but suffice it to say that I had a trust fund set up for me. I was able to access that fund after I turned twenty-one.”

  “Thank you for telling me.”

  “Don’t thank me. You’re going to be my wife, and I want to be honest with you.” I was glad to reveal one of the secrets of my past to her, but I knew what she was going to ask next. And I was right.

  “Then do you want to fill me in on your wild summer? Or your relationship with your mother?”

  I chuckled and glanced out the window. “Didn’t I say that was a story for a rainy day? Doesn’t look like rain tonight, baby.”

  She giggled, and she dropped it. Thank God. Even though she was going to be my wife in just a few months, I just didn’t want to talk about the shit that went on that summer with anyone, my future wife included.

  CHAPTER 9

  JULIANNE BECKER

  I was suddenly overwhelmed with wedding planning. Perhaps trying to plan a wedding in just over five months was over-shooting my organizational abilities just a tad, especially given that I’d also just started a new job.

  Good thing my boss was understanding.

  I called my mom after Nick and I had decided on our date and told her.

  “That’s not enough time!” she exclaimed at first.

  Shit, of course she was right. But we were going to make it happen.

  And then she asked me, “Are you pregnant?”

  I hadn’t realized that would be the first question on everyone’s mind. Getting married in under six months obviously meant a shotgun wedding.

  “Mother!” I exclaimed. “No, I am not pregnant!”

  “Then why the rush, honey?”

  “No rush. We’re just ready. I don’t want to wait to be his wife, and he doesn’t want to wait to be my husband.”

  “I get that, but these things take time to plan.”

  “Nick said he’d hire a planner to do the majority of the work.”

  “That’s nice of him, but it’s a waste of money. You know I’ve dreamed of helping you plan your wedding since you were a little girl. I never dreamed of helping your wedding planner plan your wedding.”

  I sighed. As much as I wanted to say that it wasn’t about her, it absolutely was. Weddings were about families and friends, not just the bride and groom, and I fully knew that. But, selfishly maybe, I didn’t want to wait.

  “I know, Mom. And you’ll still have a big hand in helping me plan. Want to go dress shopping this weekend?”

  “Yes. Have you called your sister yet?”

  “She’s next on my list.”

  “She’s not going to take your date well.”

  “Why not?”

  “Two kids at home and now being your matron of honor?”

  “True. But I never said she was going to be my matron of honor.”

  “Isn’t she?”

  “Of course. But I don’t like that it’s just assumed.”

  “Sorry. Call her and let’s plan on Saturday at noon for dresses?”

  “Perfect. See you then.”

  I called Jamie next, and my mother was right.

  “What do you mean August first?” she yelled.

  “I mean August first.”

  “Are you pregnant?”

  “No!” I yelled indignantly.

  “I won’t have dropped my baby weight by then, Jules. I don’t want to look fat in all of your pictures. You’re putting a lot of pressure on me.”

  When the hell did this become about everyone else?

  “Sorry. We’ll get black bridesmaid dresses.”

  “Screw you.”

  “Stop it. Will you be my matron of honor?”

  “Of course. I’ve been waiting for you to ask me that since you got engaged. When do I get to meet him?”

  I hadn’t even realized my sister hadn’t met the man I was planning to marry yet. “When are you free?”

  “Tonight. Tomorrow. Every day except I have two kids that I have to tote with me.”

  “That reminds me, are you available for wedding dress shopping Saturday afternoon?”

  She sighed. “Of course, Jules.”

  “Sorry for the late notice. Love you.”

  “Love you back.”

  “Can we come visit tomorrow night?” I asked. “I’ll bring Nick and I want to see my niece and nephew.”

  “Sure. I’ll make you dinner.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. Have Brandon order in.”

  She giggled, and I laughed along with her.

  The next day at work was much like the first, except now I kind of liked Cash. He broke the ice between us and I saw him as a friend. No one would ever replace Travis as my best friend, but I thought about how easy it would be to have a friendship with Cash, a gay man who I would never have romantic feelings for. After the whole catastrophe that my friendship with Travis had become, I was glad to be friends with a guy who I wouldn’t be tempted to sleep with. Not that Cash wasn’t damn hot, but he and I weren’t playing in the same league.

  Nick had agreed to meet my sister that night, and we planned to leave right from the office because it was closer to my sister’s place than our house was. So we had driven to work together that morning, and as I made my way to Nick’s office at 5:58, I heard Bree’s familiar tinkling laughter coming from just inside the doorway.

  I drew in a frustrated breath that I blew out slowly, forcing myself to count to ten before entering the office. I had learned that technique for controlling anger from a guidance counselor’s presentation in high school.

  It was a bunch of bullshit.

  After I’d fully let out my breath, I was still angry.

  Working hours were over at 5:00, yet this bitch was still here, flirting with my man. I was not having it.

  I burst into his office only to find Bree standing directly behind Nick, leaning over him to look at something on his computer screen. Her breasts were nearly pressed up against his shoulder, a smile adorning her perfectly beautiful face. I wanted to slap that smile right off of her, even more so when I saw that he was smiling, too. I gasped when I saw how close she was to him, wondering what the hell they were looking at, and they both looked up at the sound I made.

  Nick’s smile quickly faded as he must have realized what I just walked in on, but Bree’s smile widened further. I went from wanting to slap her to wanting to knock her teeth in. I’d never felt so violent in my life.

  “You almost ready?” I asked through gritted teeth, trying unsuccessfully not to look like the jealous, possessive bride-to-be.

  “Hey, Julianne,” Nick smiled tentatively up at me. “We were just checking out some of our competition for a potential future project.” He clicked the mouse a few times, and Bree finally backed the fuck up.

  I pressed my lips together consciously so I wouldn’t say what I really wanted to.

  I continued to keep my mouth shut even when we were in the car together.

  “You okay, baby?” Nick asked.

  I realized I was staring out the window, lost in thought, and we were nearly at my sister’s place. I didn’t want to fight with him, especially not when he was about to meet my sister for the first time.

  “Yeah. I’m okay.”

  “Did you have a good day today?”

  “It was fine.”

  “You’re quiet,” he murmured.

  “Because I don’t want to fight.”

  His hand found my leg. “What’s there to fight about?”

  “Nothing.”
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br />   “Talk to me, Julianne.” His voice was soft and soothing, and a wave of emotion traveled the length of my spine.

  I sighed. “I didn’t particularly care for walking into your office and seeing Bree’s breasts pressed against your shoulder.” It was blunt, but it was the truth.

  He sighed in frustration and removed his hand, leaving me with a cold and empty feeling where his hand had been.

  Neither of us spoke for a moment, and then we were pulling into Jamie’s driveway. I didn’t want my fiancé to meet my sister when there was tension between us. I wanted things to be normal again. I just didn’t know how to make it normal.

  Just when it felt like we turned a corner, it was like we ran into another wall.

  I grabbed the door handle, and then I felt Nick’s hand on my arm. I turned to look at him. His striking hazel eyes lit up as the last remaining sunlight of our day made its way behind the mountains, and his attractiveness in that moment was jarring. Sometimes I looked at him and found him so sexy that it knocked me on my ass, and this was one of those moments.

  “Can I ask you a question?” he said.

  I nodded. “Of course.” I turned in my seat, and his fingers linked with mine.

  “Why did you change your mind about moving up our wedding date?”

  My heart skipped a beat. This wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have a moment before we were going to walk into my sister’s house so Nick could finally meet her.

  “Because I want to marry you. Like yesterday.”

  “Why, Julianne?” His voice was a soft whisper.

  “Because I love you.”

  “Why else?”

  I sighed.

  His answer was his own frustrated sigh.

  “What?” I asked, trying to keep the annoyance out of my tone.

  “I just want to make sure we’re doing this for the right reasons.”