Since He Really Feels (He Feels) Read online

  His breath whispered against my ear. “I’m sorry for making you choose, but thank you for choosing me.”

  He straightened and returned to his side of the table while I shuddered into a quivering mess.

  He picked up his fork and resumed eating, and I couldn’t figure out how the hell to focus on food when all I could focus on was the throbbing ache between my legs.

  After we finished eating, Nick brought me the dishes while I rinsed them in the sink.

  “Can I use your iPad to check tomorrow’s weather?” he asked.

  I nodded as I set my water glass in the dishwasher.

  It was less than ten seconds later when I heard Nick.

  “What the fuck is this?” he growled. I glanced up from the sink and looked over at him. I am pretty sure I saw steam coming out of his ears from his anger. That sexy muscle in his jaw was working overtime as his mouth was clenched tightly shut. There may have been a vein popping out of his forehead from the vicious glare that was directed squarely at me.

  “What’s what?” I asked, totally confused as I dried my hands on the towel and walked over to see what had his hackles up.

  “This email from Travis.” His voice was icy. He had asked to borrow my iPad and I had consented, never once thinking he’d open my email and see the one Travis had sent me earlier that day.

  “Why are you in my email?” I asked, my own voice just as icy.

  “It was on here when I turned your iPad on.”

  Shit. I’d never seen him so angry.

  “Nick, I—”

  He cut me off. “God dammit, Julianne. I cannot keep having this same fucking fight with you.”

  He tossed my iPad on the table and stood up.

  Nick and I had been through a rocky road to get where we were, and we had finally had a breakthrough. I knew that as soon as we had finished cleaning up the kitchen, we were going to head upstairs to finish making up. At least that had been my plan.

  “Then let’s not fight,” I suggested.

  He breathed a loud, frustrated sigh. “I thought we were done with secrets.” The anger was gone, and it was replaced with something much, much scarier.

  “I wasn’t keeping a secret from you.”

  “You know where I stand on this, Julianne. You went to see him against my wishes. That not only pissed me off, but it also means you need to put in more time at McMillan, which means you can’t start at BKG on time.” His voice gradually got louder as he spoke. “You didn’t consider anything else when you took off to see him. It was a selfish move and it was stupid, and then I find this fucking email?”

  “You think things would’ve been better if I had shown the email to you?”

  “No,” he glared at me. “I don’t. But it wouldn’t have felt like such a huge betrayal.”

  “It’s not a betrayal, Nick. It’s an email. I can’t control what he emails to me.”

  “Did you fuck him again while you were there?”

  I lifted my hand to slap him across the face. I don’t know why it was my natural instinct, but it was. I couldn’t believe that he would say that to me. It hurt that he would even think that of me. I was dedicated to our relationship, and Nick knew that my love for him was passionate and profound and instinctive and better than any other love I’d ever experienced in my life – including my love for Travis. So his question was painful to hear, and I wanted to strike back; so I tried to, with my hand. But he caught my arm before I had the chance to execute my slap.

  “I can’t believe you would ask me that.” My voice sounded cold even to my own ears.

  “You’re right. I’m sorry.” His voice was eerily quiet, a complete contrast to how loud his voice had just been. As if fate stepped in to make our fight even worse, my phone started ringing at that exact moment. It was on the table next to where Nick stood, and he glanced at the screen. “It’s your fucking boyfriend. Why don’t you answer it and tell him that you choose him? Because I’m done with this bullshit.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous,” I said, my voice even despite the fact that I was terrified of how far he was willing to take this.

  “I’m not, Julianne. I will not share your heart with another man, and if you can’t give it to only me, then we don’t have anything.” His eyes burned into mine. He was furious.

  I didn’t blame him for being mad. If another woman had sent him an email declaring her love, I would have felt the same anger he was feeling. And if I knew that he’d slept with that same woman in the time we had been apart, I would have been furious. But he had told me that he knew how important Travis was in my life. And he had told me that he could live with it but that he couldn’t live without me.

  “You can’t be serious. After everything we have been through, you’d just throw it away because of a stupid email?”

  “No,” he shook his head, muttering. “You would be the one throwing it away.”

  With that, he walked out of the room. I didn’t have the energy to chase him because, frankly, I was also tired of the same fight. So, instead, I collapsed in the kitchen chair and stared blankly into space, wondering how the hell I was going to fix this mess.

  I contemplated my next move for awhile. I finished washing the dishes, trying to focus on just one task at a time because if I took a step back and analyzed my situation, I knew I had only myself to blame. And that was a very difficult thing to admit.

  I wondered how different things would have been if I’d been honest with Nick up front and told him that I had slept with Travis when we had been broken up. I was the kind of person who didn’t live with regrets because I believed that it was important to learn from mistakes and move forward.

  Even though I couldn’t change it, I definitely regretted that one night of sex with Travis, and, maybe even more, the way I had treated him afterward.

  I thought back to two specific conversations I’d had with Nick. While we were in a place where he demanded honesty from me, he still had some big secrets in his past that I knew nothing about. For one, I wanted to know what happened during his crazy summer in college. He’d made a reference to it once upon a time, but he never elaborated; all I knew was that he had slept with seven random women over one summer. And I didn’t know much about his relationship with his mother, either. All I knew was that he was not speaking to her. I wanted to meet her. She was, after all, going to be my mother-in-law, and although I would support whatever Nick wanted, I felt like I deserved to know who she was.

  On the other hand, as I looked back over my relationship with Nick, I realized that I had never fought for him. He had broken up with me, and I had accepted it because I didn’t want to be the pathetic girl going after something I could never have. He told me he needed space from me when he found out about what I’d done with Travis, and I’d given it to him. And even in that instance, when I had actually tried to fight to get him back, he was the one who had started the conversation that eventually mended our broken relationship.

  Well this time I was going to fight for him. I was going to fight for the man I loved, because I didn’t see any other choice. The thought of a life without Travis’s friendship was painful and depressing; but just the mere thought of ending things with Nick tore me apart, and I knew what it was like to live without him because of the short time we had been broken up. I never wanted to feel that kind of soul-crushing, dark pain again.

  The best I could hope for was that someday Nick would understand our friendship and I’d find my way back to Trav. If my friendship with Travis was something that Nick couldn’t live with, then I’d have to find a way to deal with it, because there was no way I could end things with Nick.

  I still had the little pregnancy scare thing in the back of my mind, and I finally realized that it wouldn’t be smart to confront Nick with that information. Once I had a firm positive or a firm negative from a doctor, then I would tell him. What he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him until then.

  And even as I had that thought, I realized that it was jus
t one more secret between the two of us.

  CHAPTER 5

  JULIANNE BECKER

  He was in the home office when I found him, tapping away aggressively on his keyboard.

  “Nick?” I asked from the doorway. My own voice sounded meek, and I hated that sound. It wasn’t me.

  He didn’t look up from his screen. “What?”

  Shit. He was really mad at me.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “For what?” he asked absently, still typing away.

  “You know for what.”

  He finally looked up at me. “I want to hear you say it.”

  I frowned. “I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you about the email.”

  “Baby, I need you to trust in what we have. I need you to realize that I love you but I won’t share you with Travis. Not after what you two did.”

  “I understand.”

  He nodded. “I know you hate it. I’m just trying to put us first.”

  I wanted to tell him about my inner turmoil. I knew that damn test told me I wasn’t pregnant, but I still didn’t believe it.

  But I couldn’t make myself form the words. Instead, I walked into his office and stood on the opposite side of his desk from him. “Nick, you know I choose you. I can’t live without you. I love you, and I can’t wait to become your wife.”

  He gazed at me for a long moment, and then the corners of his mouth tipped up into a small smile. “My wife,” he repeated.

  He stood up from his chair, the leather squeaking as he rose. He walked over to the door and shut it. Eric and Josh, Nick’s roommates, were around somewhere, both getting ready to move out by the end of the month, and clearly Nick wanted privacy. With me.

  After he shut the door, he stalked over to me. “My wife,” he whispered again, taking me in his arms.

  “Let’s not fight,” I pleaded.

  “Let’s never fight again,” he murmured.

  “Deal,” I said, and I pressed my lips to his. The familiar buzz zipped through my spine as his mouth took mine aggressively. I loved the way his tongue moved sensually against mine, and the slow burn in my belly made its way down as desire overtook every sensation in my body and every thought in my mind.

  God, I had missed him. I had missed this intimacy, this connection with him.

  His electric fingertips danced across my skin slowly, leaving a burning tingle in their wake. He found the hem of my shirt and lifted it over my head, tossing it on the floor next to us and then removing his own before his lips crashed back down over mine. He unsnapped my bra with one hand as the other hand pressed into the small of my back. The feeling of his fingertips across my skin was utter perfection.

  He was truly an expert at seduction, and he was mine.

  Forever.

  He pulled at the button on my jeans, and then I worked his belt. We each stripped out of our pants, and before long, we were naked and panting.

  He led me behind his desk, back to his chair. He sat, and then he helped me lower down onto him. We both moaned as his body entered mine, holding still for a moment as we quietly enjoyed the feel of one another. He grunted and grabbed my hips, working me up and down, increasing our speed and rhythm together.

  “You feel so fucking perfect,” he muttered, pressing up into me and hitting that perfect spot that had my body screaming for release.

  His mouth found my nipple, and the slight tug sent me spiraling over the edge.

  “Fuck,” he roared as I tightened around him and he lost control into me.

  I rested my head on his shoulder, savoring our connection while we both shuddered from the aftershocks of such an intense few moments together.

  “Maybe we should fight more,” he whispered.

  I pulled back and looked at him with a frown. “What?”

  “If makeup sex with you is going to be like that, I’ll fight with you every fucking day.”

  I grinned and kissed him. “No more fights. But lots of good sex. Deal?”

  “Deal.”

  I went downstairs to get my phone and plug it in for the night, and I saw that I had a new voicemail. When I saw that it was from Travis, my heart started beating faster.

  “Hey, Jules.” His voice was warm and familiar and a little nervous. “I got your text, and you need to know that the email you received earlier today wasn’t from me. It was a set-up to try to break up Lindsay and me. I got your text, and I need you to know that there isn’t a choice to be made. Be happy with your fiancé and stop thinking about me. I sent you an email that says more, but please just give me some time to prove to Lindsay that you aren’t going to come between us. Okay? Anyway… bye.”

  Well that was certainly an interesting turn of events.

  I felt momentarily floored that the email that had turned everything upside down for me had actually not even been from Travis.

  So all of this turmoil of who to choose was not really turmoil at all. It had all been because of someone else.

  And what was this about proving to Lindsay that I wasn’t going to come between their relationship? Did Travis think I would ruin his new relationship? I was happy for him, albeit a little wounded that he could so easily move on from me when he had supposedly loved me his entire life. But it didn’t matter, because I was happy with Nick. I wanted to be with Nick for the rest of my life. And I wanted Travis to find someone who he could be happy with for the rest of his life, too.

  I wanted to share the voicemail with Nick because I didn’t want to keep more secrets. But then I thought about the text I’d sent and Travis’s reference to it, and I knew that it would just make Nick even angrier. So I deleted the voicemail and then I deleted my text from earlier just in case. That way, no one would misunderstand what I’d meant. I wanted to read the email from Travis, but, more importantly, I wanted to go upstairs to find my fiancé. I wanted to tell him about the voicemail and the text even if I couldn’t show them to him. I wanted him to know that he came first.

  And I also wanted to know what secrets he was keeping from me.

  But tonight wasn’t the night for that. I really just wanted to make sure things were okay between Nick and me.

  He was in the bedroom, fresh from the shower and picking out his clothes for the next day.

  “You’re so organized,” I commented when I found him in the closet looking through his ties. I leaned against the doorframe.

  “Have to be,” he answered. He glanced up at me.

  I wanted to tease him. I wanted to call him Type A or OCD or anal. But after our fight, I didn’t think teasing him was the best avenue to take. “Smart move.”

  “You ready for work tomorrow?”

  I shrugged. “I have a few things to wrap up before the end of the week. And I have to go in Monday.”

  “You know I’m still mad at you for taking a day off.”

  “Yes. I am fully aware of that. And in the spirit of full disclosure, I just wanted to let you know that Travis left me a voicemail earlier.”

  “Oh?” he asked, returning his attention to his ties and avoiding my gaze.

  “He said that he didn’t send that email.”

  His attention turned back to me. “He didn’t?”

  I shook my head. “Apparently it was from someone trying to break up Travis and his new girlfriend.”

  The corners of Nick’s mouth tipped up. “Interesting.”

  “Quite.”

  “So our fight was for naught?”

  “Nick, I could have told you that before. You have nothing to worry about.” I stepped into the closet and wrapped my arms around him. “You never have to worry about my heart. It’s yours. Only yours. Forever.”

  His arms laced around me, too, and he breathed in deeply. “And mine belongs only to you. Forever.”

  “I know.” I rested my cheek on his chest and I heard his heartbeat quicken as I breathed in his scent, too. It was manly and sexy and all Nick. “Your heart is racing.”

  “Always does around you.”

  I
pulled back and looked up at him. “That’s a beautiful thing to say.”

  “It’s true. My heart speeds up just when I think of you. Only you.”

  The next morning, I checked my email as soon as I got to work. In my lust-induced haze the night before, I had forgotten that Travis had told me he had sent me an email. I finally got around to reading it.

  Dear Julianne,

  First, let me explain something. I did not send that first reply. Please disregard it. Someone trying to sabotage what I have with Lindsay sent that to you, and it almost worked.

  Thank you for your email. I need you to understand that I am in a new relationship with someone who has become everything to me. I am sorry that you are confused and feeling scared, but I can’t be there for you to pick up the pieces. You are wearing a ring on your left hand from the man of your dreams. Go home to him, love him, enjoy him. Turn to him when you’re feeling lonely. Because I’ve turned to someone in my own loneliness, and she provided me comfort, hope, and happiness. She’s the answer to every question I’ve ever had. She is my light and my hope. I meant what I said when I told you that I had moved on. You will always be an important part of my life because of the history we share and because our families are close. But please understand this: It will take time before I’m ready to build our friendship back to what it once was. Thank you for everything you’ve given me. As much as it hurt, what happened between us prompted me to move to San Diego, and it set off a chain of events that led me to where I am now. I have no regrets. Regrets are a waste of time, anyway. I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and I hope that knowledge will help you to stop beating yourself up over what happened. Please give me time to gain some firm ground with Lindsay, because she needs to know that she’s my top priority. Maybe once that has happened, someday down the line, you and I could give our friendship another try.