Only Ever You (A Little Like Destiny Book 2) Read online

  She raises that scary eyebrow at him again. “I think you mispronounced thank you.”

  “You’re right. I’m so sorry. Thanks for the ugly ass hat.”

  She steps over to him and gives him a kiss on his cheek. “I miss you, Mark. You need to come see me more often.”

  He wraps his arms around her. “I miss you, too.”

  She pushes him away and swipes at a tear. “Go eat. Paul, bring me a Danish and a coffee.”

  “Yes, ma’am,” he says, then Mark and I head down to the cafeteria with Paul in tow.

  eighteen

  It’s a little after eleven when my phone notifies me of a new text. I’m hanging out in the waiting room with Mark and Lizzie. Mark has been on his phone for the last hour, presumably rearranging appointments with Vick and the guys in the band. Lizzie is playing some game on her phone. There’s not much to do but sit around and wait, but I can see how much better Mark feels being here with his family.

  Brian: Just landed. Should be there in the next half hour.

  “Brian’s on his way,” I say out of nowhere.

  Mark glances up from his phone, but Lizzie just keeps playing her game. His eyes lock on mine.

  Destiny, he mouths to me.

  I’m not sure what that means. We’re a few feet apart with his sister between us. Destiny meant going to the roof of his building to be together…but we’re at the hospital, not at his penthouse.

  He stands and stretches. “I’m off to the restroom,” he announces. He gives me a meaningful look.

  “I need to go too,” I say, and I stand and follow him.

  Thankfully Lizzie ignores us, and I follow Mark down a hallway, out some secure doors, and down another hallway. He ducks into a private single restroom and pulls me with him.

  As soon as the door shuts behind us, his arms come around me and he buries his face in my neck. He draws in a deep breath.

  “Are you okay?” I ask, tightening my arms around him.

  “No.”

  “What can I do?”

  “Nothing.” His voice is muffled into my skin. “He just looks so weak. It doesn’t even look like him.”

  “I know.” I think back to my own grandpa who died when I was twelve. He suffered through a bout of cancer before it took his life, and watching him suffer even though I was mostly shielded from it at that age was difficult.

  “He’s always been so strong. Always telling me to lighten up. Always sending me Legos.” His voice is laced with emotion as he clings to me. “I don’t know how to do this without you. I can’t.”

  My nose stings as the tears that have already formed threaten to fall.

  “You don’t have to. I’m right here.”

  “Yeah, for now. What happens when he gets here?”

  I want to remind him that this was what he wanted, not what I wanted. If it were up to me, I’d tell Brian immediately. I wouldn’t tell him I’m in love with his brother, but at the very least I’d tell him we’re over. Instead, Mark convinced me to be there for him. I don’t want to be there for Brian, though. I want to be there for Mark.

  “I’m sorry,” he says. “It’s not fair of me to ask.”

  I run my palm up and down his back, trying futilely to soothe him. “I’m here for you. Whatever you need.”

  “How have you become so goddamn important to me so fast?”

  “You know I feel the same.”

  He blows out a breath. “The one thing I need is the one thing I can’t have.”

  I kiss the top of his head, press tiny kisses all over the Sox hat he’s still wearing because it’s the only part of him I can reach from this position.

  “I’m yours.”

  He draws in one more breath before he backs away. “No,” he says sadly. “You’re not.”

  He gazes at me for a long moment then opens the door and disappears out it.

  Mark must’ve returned to the waiting room because he’s not in the hallway when I finally step out of the restroom. I wait out beyond the secured doors for Brian’s arrival. It’s safer here, and there’s a few benches scattered along the wall. People come and go. Some look scared, others look relieved. Some look sad, others look joyous. It’s easy to tell who’s visiting what sort of patient.

  I stare down at my hands, thinking of all the places they touched Mark’s body over the past few days, thinking of how they betrayed Brian so easily and so readily. I don’t deserve Brian’s love. I don’t deserve to stand by his side over whatever he’s facing with his grandfather. He deserves the truth, but he doesn’t deserve a broken heart on top of the pain of seeing his Pops the way he is now.

  I’ll do this for him. It’ll be my final gift to him. Once this blows over, I’ll end things with him, and then I’ll be free to pursue a future with Mark. Even as I think it, the English teacher in me recalls the Robert Burns poem that Steinbeck used to draw the title for his book Of Mice and Men—something about how the best laid plans often go awry.

  When a pair of men turn the corner and start down the hallway, Mark’s eyes find mine.

  My heart tumbles down into my guts when I see Mark walking beside Brian like everything’s normal between them. Like he doesn’t share a soul-crushing, all-consuming, fiery torrent of love with his girlfriend and we didn’t have a fuck fest all day yesterday.

  As if we’re not having an affair.

  The word feels dirty in my head. That’s not us, not what we’re doing. We fought against the pull of our connection and we lost.

  Nerves tingle in my tummy, causing nausea to rise up in my throat. I shouldn’t be nervous to see my boyfriend, but a cold sweat breaks out on my forehead and my hands feel clammy.

  Despite the fiery passion that crushes me when I spot Mark, I can’t help the tenderness that slices through me as my eyes land on Brian. He’s looking down at the ground as Mark talks to him and hasn’t spotted me yet. Mark’s eyes remain on me as he talks to his brother. I don’t know what he’s saying, not from this distance, but it’s a private moment between brothers.

  Brian peels his eyes from the floor. He looks at me just as my eyes flick away from Mark, and all the pain and worry about his grandfather is plain there for me to see.

  Mark’s worried, too. I’ve seen it in his vulnerability and how he carries himself—how he’s strong in front of his mom and in the way he broke down with me in the private bathroom just minutes ago.

  How can I be there for both of them?

  The answer is simple: I can’t.

  My heart tears in two as I stand. Brian strides over to me and pulls me in his arms for a hug, and I briefly wonder if I smell like sandalwood and peppermint. My eyes meet Mark’s behind Brian’s back. The pain I find there pushes an achy weight on my chest.

  “Thank God you’re here,” Brian says.

  Mark breaks our gaze and averts his eyes out the window, taking a painful slice of my heart with him.

  Brian angles his head for a kiss, and I give him a quick nip. We’re not here to make out; we’re here to see his ailing grandfather. I hate kissing him in front of Mark. I hate this whole situation. Nothing has ever felt so wrong.

  “Can we go see him?” Brian asks.

  Just like when I arrived with Mark hours earlier, everyone greets Brian with hugs and kisses. We head to his grandfather’s room and visit for a while.

  I’m exhausted, spent physically after yesterday’s activities paired with sleeping on a plane last night for just a couple hours. Spent emotionally as I put on this pretense in front of his family, as I act like I’m not in love with Mark because that’s what he told me to do.

  I’m teetering on this strange balance beam. I’m trying to show Brian enough affection so that he, along with everyone else in the room except Mark, believes I love him and I’m here for him, and at the same time, I’m attempting to draw back from Brian so Mark knows it’s still him, always him, only him.

  Brian, Mark, and I are visiting with Gram and Pops a few hours later when my stomach starts growli
ng—noticeably—and another team of doctors comes in for an exam.

  Brian steps over to talk to one of the doctors, and Gram looks at Mark then me. “Go home and get some rest. There’s nothing else anyone can do tonight.”

  “Gram, come stay with me,” Mark says.

  She laughs. “Thanks, sweetie, but I’m staying right here.” She pats the seat of the chair she’s sitting in.

  “You sure?”

  She glances over at her husband who is listening to the conversation between Brian and the doctor. “Yeah. I can’t leave him. I won’t.”

  Mark hugs his grandma. “Someday I hope I find someone who loves me as much as you love him.”

  Her eyes fall on me, and a nervous bolt darts through my spine. “I hope so, too,” she murmurs.

  Why do I get the sense that she knows there’s already someone like that in his life?

  *

  The five of us—Mark, Brian, Lizzie, Dave, and me—sit around Mark’s kitchen table an hour later with an open pizza box in front of us. Brian fills us in on his trip to Germany as I sit between the Fox brothers and try to figure out how I got here.

  Mark bumps against me accidentally and a thrill travels up my spine. Brian squeezes my hand possessively and a pain pierces my heart. I’m starving but can’t even eat the pizza in front of me.

  “It was hotter than usual. All the locals kept talking about how they were going to spend the rest of the day in the pool, and there I was in a goddamn suit sweating my ass off.” He takes a bite of his pizza.

  “Did you do what you needed to do while you were there?” Mark asks. I glance over at him, and I think how green his eyes look against the black of his long-sleeve t-shirt.

  He shakes his head. “I’ll need to go back.” He glances over at me. “The only thing getting me through was knowing you were coming…until you weren’t. Did they find someone else to teach that class?”

  I nod and wipe my mouth with my napkin while I try to think of a lie. “Yeah, someone from another school. They didn’t want to have to do that.”

  I feel all eyes on me, scrutinizing like they can all tell I’m lying.

  Luckily Mark comes to my rescue. “When does school start?”

  “Week after next,” I say, staring down at my plate. I pick up my fork and knife and cut off another piece of pizza.

  Lizzie smiles. “You’re so lucky that you get summers off.”

  “I guess I chose the right profession.” I stab the piece of pizza but can’t bring myself to eat it. The nausea in my stomach moves around like a wave pool.

  She laughs, and I can’t help but think how much I like her. The thought only reminds me of how much I’m screwing with this entire family. They’re bringing me in, accepting me as one of their own, but they’re doing it as I’m deceiving them all. What will she think when I end up with Mark?

  Will I end up with Mark?

  “For sure,” Lizzie says. I feel her gaze on me, but I’m still staring down at my pizza. “I can tell you from experience that the corporate world is not where it’s at.”

  Dave nudges her. “I sorta like it.”

  She laughs. “Yeah, but you’re a workaholic. Me…not so much.”

  “You’re not liking your job anymore?” Mark asks.

  “It’s okay. I just feel like I’m pushing paperwork all day. I look at you two and wonder where I went wrong.” She gestures between her brothers.

  “What would you want to do instead?” Mark asks.

  She shrugs. “I don’t know. Travel like you two. Brian’s off to Germany, you’re off to every exotic location known to man.”

  Mark blows out a chuckle. “It isn’t always all it’s cracked up to be.”

  “Yeah, yeah. No privacy, everyone wants a piece, liars and fake pregnancies and users, oh my.” She sings the last part to the tune of the Wizard of Oz’s “Lions and Tigers and Bears.” “We’ve heard it, Beavis. Still, you’ve got all this.” She spreads her arms around the condo. “And you’ve got all this here, New York, Vegas, Los Angeles. You’ve got legions of adoring fans, you get to go where you want, you get to see the world, you get to call the shots, and most importantly, you’re doing what you love.”

  “But at what cost?”

  I sit up a little straighter as I consider what he’s implying.

  “Are you saying you’re not happy?” Lizzie asks.

  He shakes his head. “Of course I’m not saying that. I love my job, every part of it. Well, except the sweaty assholes I’m forced to share a tour bus with. But that doesn’t mean my life’s perfect, and I’m not just talking about the shit you mentioned.”

  “Then what?” she asks.

  He shrugs and doesn’t answer, but the entire conversation has my curiosity burning, too. I sneak a glance over at him, and his eyes are on me. I tear my eyes away quickly and look over at Lizzie.

  Apparently I wasn’t quick enough. She looks between Mark and me, studying both of us, and her eyes widen.

  I’m pretty sure she just figured us out, too.

  nineteen

  “I’m exhausted after sitting on a plane all morning.” Brian’s been dropping hints to get me to bed for the last half hour, but I’ve been ignoring them. He finally looks over at me as if to tell me it’s time for bed, like I have to go with him just because he’s tired.

  I’m tired, too—I’m just dreading alone time with my boyfriend.

  “We’re gonna take off, too,” Lizzie says.

  “Just stay the night here,” Mark says to her. I don’t miss the hint of desperation in his voice. He doesn’t want to be alone with Brian and me.

  “All my stuff’s at home,” she says. “It’s only ten minutes away. We’ll see you in the morning at the hospital.”

  We say our goodbyes and they leave, and I find myself alone with Mark and Brian—what could easily be an erotic fantasy but is instead a fucking nightmare.

  “Well, you two have a good night.” Mark heads to the counter and picks up his keys and the Sox hat his mom bought him earlier.

  “Where’re you going?” Brian asks.

  He glances up but avoids eye contact with me. “Out.” With that final word, he walks out the door.

  I follow Brian to our bedroom, trudging along behind him, feeling like quicksand is swallowing me up, like extra weight is added to the top of my foot with every step I take.

  When we finally get into the bedroom, Brian nods toward the bathroom. “I’m gonna shower. You want to get in there first?”

  “Yeah, if that’s okay. I’ll be quick.”

  He slides his phone out of his pocket and collapses on the bed. “Take your time.”

  As I brush my teeth and wash my face, I contemplate the strange feeling between us. Does he sense something’s up? He’s held my hand, pressed kisses to my cheek or my temple, but he hasn’t tried to hold me or be intimate. He hasn’t been as affectionate as usual. I’m sure I’m just reading into the situation, and even though we’re guests in someone else’s house and we’re here because of a family emergency, I can’t help but think he’s going to want to have sex.

  I don’t want to have sex with him.

  For one thing, I’m sore after yesterday’s marathon with Mark.

  But on top of that, I’m not sure I still have those feelings for Brian. Oddly, I’d feel like I’m cheating on Mark if I have sex with my boyfriend.

  I’m doing everything I can to be here for him, to appear like the perfect girlfriend, to hold his hand and help him through this, but, as Mark mentioned at dinner, at what cost?

  When I emerge from the bathroom, the bedroom is empty. I hear Brian talking down the hall, but I can’t make out words. I slip into bed. If I’m asleep by the time he comes to bed, I can avoid the topic of sex even coming up between us.

  I hear him step quietly into the bedroom a few minutes later, and then I hear the shower start up. While he’s in there, I send Mark a text.

  Me: You doing okay?

  I change his contact name in
my phone to Mary just in case. I don’t get a reply by the time Brian joins me in the bed. He flicks off the light then blows out a long breath beside me, and as much as I want to pretend I’m asleep, I can’t. I do still love him, and I don’t want him to suffer.

  “Are you okay?” I ask quietly into the darkness.

  “Sorry. Thought you were asleep.”

  “I’m awake.”

  “Yeah, I’m okay.” He pulls my back against his front. This is usually where he thrusts his hips against me as the signal, but tonight he doesn’t. Maybe he just is exhausted like he said. “I’m glad you’re here.”

  “I am, too,” I say, and it’s the truth. While I’m not glad I’m here next to Brian, I’m glad I’m here in Chicago despite everything. “Tell me about your grandfather.” I stroke a finger along the arm he has slung around my waist.

  He’s quiet for a moment, and then he says, “He’s the smartest man I’ve ever known.”

  “What makes him so smart?”

  “He’s perceptive. I learned how to read people by watching him. He owned a small paper company for years and years, and he was a salesman until he retired. He could sell water to a drowning man. You didn’t even know he was trying to sell you something until you’d already bought it.”

  “Even you?”

  “Not in the literal sense, but he’d divert our attention when we were kids. If I wanted the toy Mark was playing with, Pops would sell me on a new one.”

  “Did you always want the toy your brother was playing with?” I tease. I tense as I realize the gravity of my words.

  “Not always,” he says quietly. Then he chuckles. “But most of the time.”

  “So this competition between the two of you, that goes back to childhood toys?”

  “Yeah. Since he was older, he got everything first. Got to experience things first, got all the good toys first. I was always stuck in second place with the leftovers.”

  “Like what?” I ask, thinking about how very differently each brother views their relationship. Mark sees Brian as the spoiled brat while Brian sees Mark as the one who got everything first.

  “Lego sets. Pops always got Mark Lego sets.”

  “What did he get you?”