Since He Really Feels (He Feels) Read online

  “And that’s Lindsay?” I asked.

  He nodded. “Yes. That’s Lindsay.”

  The pain lanced through me like a knife twisting in my gut, but it was matched with a feeling of joy for my friend. It was strange at once being so disappointed at what could have been and so happy for him, and those paradoxical feelings only told me that I loved him enough to let him be happy with Lindsay. I had already arrived at that conclusion several times, and it was what I kept coming back to.

  Suddenly I felt like I had cheated on Nick. I hadn’t, but thinking how I had almost kissed Travis left me feeling guilty. Just the thought that I had wanted to kiss him left me with guilt.

  “Are you okay?” he asked.

  “Yeah,” I nodded. “I think I am.”

  “You want to talk some more?”

  “No. I’m good.”

  “Do you want to stay here tonight?”

  “Yeah. I think I need a night away, if that’s okay.”

  “Of course. Sleep in here. Lindsay and I will take the guest room.”

  I was grateful to my friend, and for the very first time since I had slept with Travis after my break-up with Nick, I was certain that we were going to be okay. We were going to get back to the place we had once been. Maybe things would never be exactly the same, but we both had new people in our lives who depended on us and who we could depend upon in return.

  “Want to join us for a movie?” he asked.

  I kind of wanted to just for the distraction, but I shook my head. I wanted Travis and Lindsay to have their time together. “No, thanks. I’m really tired.”

  He stood and pulled me up with him, and he hugged me one last time.

  “Thank you, Travis,” I whispered.

  “Anything for you, Jules,” he said, tucking some hair behind my ear. He kissed my forehead and left me alone.

  CHAPTER 22

  TRAVIS MILLER

  Lindsay was still in my arms when I woke up the next morning, and while my parents may have had something to say about that, I didn’t care. I was a grown man, and frankly I was over their conservative rules.

  Besides, someone else had spent the night in my bed.

  How fucking awkward was that?

  When her lips started moving in toward mine, I knew it was all wrong. I knew I didn’t want to kiss her even though there had been countless nights I’d dreamt about that very thing.

  When I was in my bedroom talking with Jules, all I could think about was that she wasn’t Lindsay. All I could think about was how I hadn’t even known what real love was until the moment I realized I was in love with Lindsay.

  I knew Jules was acting out of desperation. It wasn’t about her and me and starting fresh. It was about the fact that she was hurting and it was a habit for her to turn to me for comfort. Maybe it was even about her striking out to piss off her fiancé, but I couldn’t give her the type of comfort she was seeking. What I had with Lindsay was serious, and now that I had the opportunity to see her interact with my family, I realized how serious it was.

  She was part of my family now. I watched her with my nephews, and Parker and Jackson loved her. I could see the joy in her eyes as she played with the kids, and I knew that someday she would be the best mother on the planet. And I wanted to be by her side, allowing her to shape me into the kind of father I’d always dreamed of being.

  The house was still when I woke, Lindsay breathing deeply next to me. I rolled over, careful not to disturb my sleeping beauty, and walked down the hall. I glanced out the front window and saw Julianne pulling away, and an odd weightless feeling took over my senses.

  Relief.

  She was gone.

  I bypassed my bedroom, thinking back to the night before when I’d accidentally confessed to Lindsay that Jules had nearly kissed me.

  I had just joined her back on the couch to watch the movie, and I could tell she wasn’t hitting the Play button until I explained everything.

  Fucking women.

  “What the hell does she want?” Lindsay whispered.

  I rolled my eyes. “She and Nick are fighting.”

  “Should I go talk to her?”

  I laughed. Loudly.

  “Uh, no. I don’t think so.”

  She narrowed her gaze at me. “You don’t have to be mean about it.”

  “Sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you. I just don’t think that would be a great idea.”

  “Why not?”

  “Didn’t you just tell me you wanted to kick her teeth in?”

  She nodded.

  “Well after the way she just tried to kiss me, I don’t think—”

  “What?” she screeched.

  Oops.

  Fuck.

  I wasn’t thinking. It just slipped out of my mouth.

  She stood up from her seat on the couch and started pacing.

  It was funny that she had nicknamed me “Tiger,” because she was walking back and forth in front of me like a damn caged tiger herself.

  “Seriously?”

  I shrugged, trying to play it off.

  “Seriously? She really tried to kiss you?”

  “Lower your voice.”

  “No! She came over to your house to kiss you while your girlfriend is sitting on the couch waiting for you? That’s fucking horseshit, Travis!”

  “Dude.”

  “What?”

  “Lower your fucking voice. You were the one worried about my parents catching us kissing, but you don’t care about swearing and throwing a fit?”

  She glared at me and then pointed at me. “Outside. Now.”

  I followed her out, rolling my eyes at her back.

  Before she had a chance to start yelling at me again, I spoke first. “Can we not do this?”

  “Travis, you just told me that your ex who you loved up until about a minute ago tried to kiss you and you want me to just let that slide?”

  “Yes?” I said it like a hopeful question.

  No such luck. She exhaled a very noisy and frustrated breath.

  “Lindsay, listen to me when I say this. I fucking love you. I pushed her away because the only woman I want to kiss is this crazy jealous woman standing in front of me.”

  I saw her start to soften.

  “I’m yours. Only yours. Okay?”

  She softened further, and then she sighed. Loudly. A small smile eventually turned up her lips.

  “Only mine?”

  I nodded and took a step closer to her. “I know this just started, but I’m pretty sure I’m yours forever.”

  “And you pushed her away?”

  “I will push every single woman on earth away to get to you, Gorgeous.”

  “I love you, Tiger,” she whispered.

  “Right back at you,” I smiled, and then my mouth found hers and I managed to find a way to convince her that fighting wasn’t the answer… but fucking just might be.

  CHAPTER 23

  JULIANNE BECKER

  I snuggled under Travis’s blankets, finding that it smelled like him. It was comforting and familiar, and even though I missed Nick and was anxious about how we were going to get our relationship back on track, I suddenly felt like everything was going to work out.

  I slept well there in Travis’s bed, and when I woke, I had those awful feelings of guilt. I spent the night in another man’s bed, a man who Nick would be furious that I ran to after our fight.

  A man who I attempted to kiss the night before.

  And then, amidst the pile of guilt that I felt burying me, I remembered that I had consumed several glasses of wine the night before, and I still didn’t fully believe in the accuracy of the negative reading on the test Lucy had forced me to take. All that memory did was fuel my guilt until I felt like I was suffocating under its weight.

  I took a deep breath, holding the air in my chest for a moment before letting it out. That helped somewhat, but I knew I had to go home and face Nick. I knew I had to deal with what I had done, and I knew that I couldn’t keep
these secrets from him anymore. How could I ask him to be honest with me when I wasn’t being honest with him? I had to tell him about the pregnancy scare, and I had to tell him about the attempted kiss.

  I dreaded telling him about both of those things, and I had no idea how to do it, but I had to.

  I threw my stuff in my bag. A glance at the clock told me that it was still early, and I hoped that everyone would still be asleep so I could just sneak out. For once, I got my wish, and I left quietly, figuring I’d text Travis later to thank him for being the friend I needed.

  When I arrived home, Nick’s car wasn’t in the garage, and the house was empty.

  I located my phone on the counter. I had two new texts, and both were from Nick.

  The first one was sent the night before, just after I’d left. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that I wanted us to take a break. I just want a break from the fighting. I want you to come home.

  The second one was from this morning, about a half an hour earlier. I’m heading into work. Please call me as soon as you get this. We need to talk. I love you.

  My heart warmed with his sentiment. I loved him, too, and I knew that with a little communication and a lot of work, we’d find our way out of this mess.

  I didn’t want to have this conversation over the phone, so I grabbed my keys and drove toward the office.

  As soon as I exited the elevator for our floor, I heard two voices in the quiet office. One was definitely female, and the other was obviously Nick.

  I heard a loud, feminine laugh that made my blood boil.

  Fucking Bree.

  I stalked my way down the hallway and wasn’t at all surprised at what I saw when I arrived at Nick’s office doorway. Nick was sitting at his desk with a smile on his face as he looked at his computer, and Bree was standing behind him again, bending down with her breasts nearly pressed against his shoulder. Could she get any closer to him? Seriously? Didn’t she just attend our engagement party the night before? This woman had zero respect for the fact that Nick was in a relationship. It may have been a rocky relationship at the moment, but that was none of her damn business.

  They both looked up at me at the same moment, and Nick’s smile faded quickly. Not shockingly, Bree’s didn’t; in fact, her smile widened a bit.

  “Julianne,” Nick whispered as his eyes met mine. I saw a flash of fear in his eyes, and I wasn’t sure if it was because he’d been caught alone with Bree or if it was because I was standing there and we had issues to resolve.

  I pressed my lips together into a forced, tight smile as I raised my eyebrows at the scene before me.

  “Bree, would you please excuse us?” he said, his eyes never leaving mine.

  “Of course,” she rasped, and she shimmied her way out of the office, breezing past me without so much as a glance.

  Nick stood, still gazing at me, and I hadn’t moved from the doorway. As I stared back at him, I felt the guilt hit me again. What had I been thinking?

  Why had my instinct been to run to Travis?

  He was wearing just a red t-shirt and jeans, and I couldn’t help my mouth watering as I gazed back. He really was just so devastatingly handsome whether he was wearing a formal suit and tie or casual clothes, but beyond his good looks, I knew that he had a good heart, a heart that swelled for me. He’d proven that more than once; he quit his job for me, he took care of me when I needed him to, he bought me a fucking car, he charmed my parents.

  Maybe I didn’t deserve him, but I was going to fight like hell to keep him.

  “Come in, baby,” he said, his voice low.

  I walked into the office and shut the door behind me as he came around his desk. He met me midway across his office and pulled me into his arms.

  I felt like I was exactly where I belonged. My heart raced and my breathing became shallow as he held me close against him. He buried his face in my neck, and I felt tears brimming in my eyes. How had things between us become so monumentally fucked up? This moment – Nick holding me in his arms, his lips finding the skin of my throat – was how things were supposed to be. This told me how we both felt about each other, because I could feel the love he had for me pouring out of him just in a simple embrace.

  He took a deep breath and then pulled back. He placed one brief kiss on my lips. Brief as it was, it still sent butterflies racing through my system.

  He gazed at me. As our eyes met, something in the air changed and electricity crackled.

  “Where did you go?” he asked.

  I started to open my mouth to answer, but I was silenced when his lips crashed down over mine. And that’s when all coherent thought left for a moment. The guilt was gone, the fears were gone, the indecision and stupidity and foolishness of all of our fights were gone. It was just Nick and me wrapped in each other.

  His tongue found mine and I moaned, having forgotten in all of our angst over the past few days how magical his kisses were. It was slow, his tongue exploring every crevice of my mouth as I gave right back.

  I felt him backing us up until my ass hit the conference table behind me. He lifted me up onto it and then stood between my legs, so I wrapped my legs around him, drawing him as close to me as I could, our mouths never breaking contact. His kiss transformed from slow and sensual to aggressive and erotic.

  His hand moved the length of my torso until he cupped my neck. His strong hand against my soft skin was perfection.

  He groaned into me, clearly needing this close connection as much as I did, and then he pulled back only long enough to pull my shirt over my head. I pulled his shirt off and ran my fingers down his chest, down his perfectly chiseled abdominal muscles, and settled on that perfect slice of hipbone as his lust-filled eyes met mine.

  His hunger for me was apparent as his mouth came down over mine once again, his lips assaulting mine as his hands moved up my back and snapped off my bra. He tore it from my body and then manhandled my breasts like he hadn’t been with me for weeks or months.

  This Nick was aggressive and hot, and equal parts of me wanted him to hurry up and get inside of me while I never wanted it to end.

  He pulled me close against him so my chest was crushed to his, and then his fingers wandered south, down my chest to my stomach, finally settling between my legs. I needed to get rid of the clothes separating our bodies. I needed the connection I shared with him. After our night apart, I needed to prove to him that he was the only man for me.

  His fingers felt their way up until he undid the button on my jeans, and then he slid his hand down my panties until he found the spot he had been searching for. His breath hissed between his teeth as he pushed one finger into me, and I arched back and moaned as we both felt how wet I was for him.

  My hand found his dick outside of his jeans, ready and waiting for me, and I rubbed my hand up and down in time to the rhythm he set inside of me.

  “Jesus, Julianne,” he moaned, and then he pulled back from me to remove my jeans and panties at once from my body.

  He knelt on the floor between my legs. I spread them wide enough to accommodate him, and I felt his warm breath inching its way along my thigh as he placed open mouth kisses and dragged his tongue along. When he met the juncture between my thighs, I tossed my legs over his shoulders. He swiped his tongue through my wet center just once, and it was enough to send a shockwave of desire coursing through my torso.

  I threw my head back and planted my hands behind me to support my weight as I basked in the pleasure he was delivering. His tongue moved slowly, and I was reminded just how good he was at pleasuring me with his mouth. He found my entrance and teased me with his tongue as it moved in and out, in and out, ever so slowly.

  He brought me right to the edge of ecstasy and then he pulled back, brushing a gentle kiss to the inside of my thigh. He pressed his finger into me and his tongue found my clit. He sucked and licked, and the combination had my entire body tensing for what was going to be a very intense orgasm.

  “God, I need to be inside of you,” he
said. He pulled back suddenly and stood, lowering his jeans and boxers just enough, and then his mouth found mine again as he plunged into me.

  “Oh God,” I yelled out, feeling the perfect fullness of Nick driving into me over and over.

  A low growl grumbled up from his chest as he pumped in and out, and then his hands found my breasts as he cupped them. The combination of his mouth, his hands, his body, and just Nick was enough to propel me into oblivion.

  I yelled out incoherently as I flew headfirst into a shattering orgasm just as I felt him thrust up and let go. His groans matched my moans as we both hit our peak intensely, and then he held me close as we both shuddered and came down from the intensity we shared together.

  He stayed buried inside of me, my face in his neck and my arms clasped fiercely around his neck.

  “I love you so much,” he murmured into me. With the connection we shared and the loving sentiment coming from him, I was overwhelmed with emotions.

  He slipped out of me and kissed me once more, slowly and sensually again, coming full circle after our aggressive office sex.

  He pulled back from me and handed me my clothes and then he fastened his jeans and found his shirt.

  I had missed the closeness we’d just shared, but I knew that it was time to talk. I was just so afraid that the beautiful moments we just had would be the last of our relationship together once I opened up and told him where I’d gone the night before, and, more importantly, what I’d almost done.

  We both got dressed, and then he motioned for me to sit in one of the chairs that faced his desk, and he sat in the other one. We faced each other at an angle, our chairs pulled close together.

  “We need to talk,” he said quietly.

  “I know. But I prefer what we just did.”

  He chuckled. “Me, too.”

  We were both quiet for a moment, and my heart started racing as I realized it was time to tell him everything.

  “Julianne—” he started at the exact same time that I said, “Last night—”